I have to say goodbye

I know I've lost you already, but somehow, I need to say goodbye. Daddy and I buried part of you in our backyard, but I want to tell you goodbye. I need to tell you goodbye. Losing you has been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and I'm so sorry I couldn't carry you. I will never, ever, ever forget you, and I will never forget this pain, though I hope it's lessened some day. I know you're dancing with Jesus right now. I never saw you, never met you, but I felt you and in a way, still do. I just don't know how to stop feeling like a mommy. I guess I never will, because I'm still your mommy. I will always wonder what you would have looked like, if you were a boy or a girl, if you would have been like me or like Daddy... I will always wonder.

I remember driving to the doctor one visit before I found out that I was going to lose you, and on the way there, I heard a song by Third Day called "Love Song." It's a song from Jesus to His children explaining how much he loves us and how much he'd do for us. I just broke down and started crying, because it explained how much I loved you already and I knew it was only a taste of how much my love for you would continue to grow. Here are the lyrics:

I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.

I've never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of calvary

Chorus: Just to be with you, I'll do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'll give anything
I would give my life away.

I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
All of those dreams are an empty emotion
It can never be done

I've never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea

Repeat chorus

(Bridge) I know that you don't understandthe fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize
how much that I gave you
But I promise, I would do it all again.

Just to be with you, I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away.

Little baby, I would do anything to have you back, but I know how selfish that is, because you're with Jesus now. I know His love surpasses any that I could have ever felt for you. I hope He comforts you and holds you the way I would have done, if only I could have.

You made me so happy and gave me so much hope. In the two weeks that I knew you, I could not have been happier. The pain I am going through right now is nothing compared to the absolute joy you brought me and the people I love and that love you, and the hope for my future. I'm so sorry that future will be without you. I will miss you, but I will see you one day. Be good for God, because He's taking care of you for a while.

I love you so much. I'm so sorry. And since I can't say goodbye, I'll just say that I'll see you soon. I love you.

Love, Mommy

I hope you're a girl. Or a boy.

I hope you're a girl. Girls are so pretty. I'd get to do your hair in braids, ponytails, pigtails, curls, down, up, sideways, and the occasional mohawk (gotta have that embarassing picture for the first boyfriend). I'd dress you up in frilly things and pink things and things that say "Princess" on them. I'd give you stuffed ponies and Rainbow Brites and Jem dolls (because Jem was a strong woman... cartoon). I wouldn't have to decide whether or not to circumcise you. I'd get to experience buying your first bra, your first feminine product, your first earrings. I get to teach you how to put on makeup (if, of course, you want to wear makeup - if not, that's fine too). I get to watch you turn your stoic, level-headed, even-keeled Daddy into a lump of spineless goo which you will then pick up and wrap around your little finger - this, of course, will happen the first time you say "Daddy." I'd watch you grow up into an independent, self-respecting and well-respected woman who shows love and peace to every person alive. I hear girls are easier to raise as children.

I hope you're a boy. Boys are so adorable. I'd get to do your hair in all kinds of ways. I'd mohawk you, crew cut you, and maybe once, before I cut your hair completely, totally mullet you - just for the quintessential embarassing picture. I'd put sailor outfits on you, Saints jersies, camouflauge onesies, and maybe once or twice, a cowboy outfit, complete with a little Stetson and bolo. I'll never have to worry about you going somewhere dressed like a tramp. I'd get to watch your daddy teach you how to play football and golf... wait, who am I kidding. Scratch that. That's what Uncle Seth is for. I'd get to watch your Daddy teach you how to dismantle a hard drive and play Magic the Gathering. I'd reserve the special treat of teaching you how to burp. Well, that's if you're a boy or a girl. Ain't nothin' wrong with a little girl burp every once in a while. Most importantly, I'd watch you grow into an independent, self-respecting, well-respected man who, above all else, treats women how he would want his mom to be treated. And I hear boys are easier to raise when they're teenagers.

So after all that, I definitely want you to be a boy. Or a girl. No, a boy. Well, maybe a girl.

Heck, I just hope you're a baby.

You're one tiny source of worry

Granny's Human Development textbook says you're less than an inch in size, but boy, do you know how to make your mommy worry. I slowed down on telling people that you're coming last week because of everything that's happened. Where shall I start?

Dr. M told me that my hcg isn't doubling the way it's supposed to. That could mean nothing, and it's actually doubling a little quicker than it was before, but it could also mean you actually are hanging around in my fallopian tube. And it seems like you're too warm or something, because that blood coming out sure isn't a good sign. I'd love it if you could quit doing that. If you stop, I'll give you a dollar. What's that, two bribes, and you're not even born yet. I'm a stellar mommy. :)

Now there was one thing that definitely wasn't your fault, but BOY was it worrisome. Thursday night, I started having this absolutely awful pain in my lower abdomen. That's also when more bleeding started. The pain felt a lot like the kidney stone I had back in May, but the accompanying bleeding was very scary. I thought for sure I was losing you, which was devastating me. After a call to Granny and a call to the doctor's office, it was decided I would take a bath, and since I wasn't bleeding too heavily, I wasn't going to have to go to the doctor. The bath made the pain go away for the most part - enough to where I could go to sleep. The next morning, after a follow-up call to the doctor's office, I went to the bathroom and saw the remnants of a kidney stone. Sure enough. OUCH.

The nurse said I should still be laying or sitting down all weekend. Funny story - your Granny stayed over last night in what will be your room soon, and after a deee-lish evening at the Cracker Barrel, we decided to go to Kroger for ice cream. Since it's been decided that I can't do a whole lot of my own walking around, Granny and Daddy decided I had to use the wheelchair. Mommy sure looked silly. After I almost knocked down the pumpkin pie display, I decided I'd just walk. I walked lightly, and didn't do the jumping jacks I normally do in the grocery store aisles.

Oh! And I had my first weird pregnancy food yesterday. Daddy, Aunt Alanna, and I got pizza Thursday night. For lunch yesterday, I decided to have leftover cold pepperoni pizza with raisins on top. That's right, raisins. And it was GOOD. It's not too weird - honestly, people have pineapples on their pizzas all the time... right? :) Hey, if my pregnancy food is raisins, that's just fiiiine with me.

I might (MIGHT) be able to see you this Thursday. You're not much yet, but you might just be a blip on the sonogram. I can't WAIT. Hopefully they don't really mean it when they say they won't give me a picture until 20 weeks... Your mommy's pretty charismatic sometimes - I wonder if they'll change their mind with a Washington or two in the mix.

I'll write more often, kiddo. I love you!

GoodNIGHT

You are tuckering me out, little one. I took a 3-hour nap today (even though Daddy said it was only a 1.5-hour nap because I'm sleeping for two now - yeah, your Daddy's a funny guy) and I'm still tired. Of course, Granny Hop says it could be all the excitement of the last month and a half or so and now I'm crashing, but whatever it is, I'm sleepy.

I think you're implanting right now. At least, I hope that's what all that bleeding is. The ultrasound technician said she saw the ruptured follicle that the egg that's turning into you came from in my ovary. That's pretty neat. Also, there are no masses on my fallopian tubes, so you're not chillin' there. Thanks for not taking that detour. The doctor said my endometrium is thickened, so that means you're burrowing yourself in there somewhere. Dig deep, sweet child!

I have to go back for another blood test on Monday, just to make sure the hormone that's letting me know you're there (hcg) is increasing. It's at 77 right now, it needs to be in the thousands before I see a picture of you.

I'm still waiting to get in touch with your great grandma Peggy before I talk about you on our website. I can't wait to tell her, she's going to be so excited.

OH! And I forgot something. Not only are you making me hungry and sleepy, I'm forgetting a lot lately. Maybe I'll take some smart pills for both our benefits. I forgot to tell you how your Grandma Barbara reacted! Daddy and I got on the phone with her and she started talking about the "babies" (your furry brothers and sister) and I said "Funny you should mention, because you're going to be a grandma again!" She said "You're getting another cat?" "No." "You mean you're pregnant?" "Yep!" "Oh, you're kidding me!" She's a little scared that she won't be able to hold you though, even though you're still at least (I hope) another 8 months away and she should definitely get her cast off by then. She's giving us a crib for you that was built in 1928! I don't doubt that her father made it very sturdy, but I'll definitely have to check it out - I'm not putting you in ANYTHING that might be even the slightest bit unsafe for you. Maybe I can find a child safety expert.

My friend Kelli told me I should sing the ABC's and "Jesus Loves Me" to you every night. It might be overkill right now, but her kid's pretty darn smart. I know you'll be a genius (between my fashion and social skills and Daddy's intelligence, I'd say you have a pretty good chance of being the smartest kid ever), but every little bit helps.

Although my singing's not the best... Cover your little ears if it's too bad. I know you don't have ears yet - tell you what. If my singing's REALLY bad, you can kick me really hard when you have feet! Deal?

Goodnight, little one. I'll talk to you soon! I love you!

Mommy

Thank goodness for cheap long distance!

This morning, I called the doctor's office because I had decided on a doctor for you, and he told me that the blood test came back positive! You're really in there! I can't believe it, I'm sorry. I hope you don't feel neglected, but I don't think I'll believe you're in there until I see you coming out. I've wanted to be a mommy since I was 8 years old. I remember thinking, "I'll get married when I'm 23, have a baby when I'm 24, and die when I'm 103." Of course I want more babies, and other than the fact that your Daddy and I were married when I was 20, I'll be right on track!

So I called so... many... people today. I was probably on the phone for 4 hours, with all different people. I got lots and lots of advice. Here's some of what I got so far:

Drink milk - Aunt Stacy
Drink orange juice - Angie, Aunt Stacy
Eat broccoli (so it'll be a boy) - Rob
Take multi-vitamins w/extra folic acid - Aunt Stacy
Don't let your mother in law stay with you - Aunt Stacy
Get ultrasounds recorded on video - Aunt Stacy
Buy Kiss it Simple Series (KISS) for pregnancy - Aunt Stacy
Buy Pregnancy for Dummies on DVD - Aunt Stacy
Buy What to Expect When You're Expecting - Aunt Stacy, Chris, Terri, Kelli, Kelly, Nancy, Leona, someone else I'm forgetting. I know there were 8 people who told me to buy it.
Don't buy What to Expect when You're Expecting - Jennifer
No heavy lifting - Aunt Cindy
Let Drew do all the work - Aunt Cindy
No long trips in a truck - Aunt Cindy
Relax, enjoy the ride - Kitty
Eat grits - Aunt Stacy
Rest as much as possible... you'll never rest again - Terri
Don't buy every gadget on the market - Terri
Take a mother shopping with you so you don't buy useless stuff - Terri
Drew avoid speed bumps - Kelli
No wipe warmers - Kelli
Don't neglect husband - Kelli
Make sure he takes care of you - Kelli
Don't neglect Drew - Joyce
Keep soda water and Saltines nearby - Joyce
Don't clean the bathroom - Joyce
Eat what you want - Kelly (who is different from Kelli - not a typo)

All in all, very sage advice from very wise women that I trust greatly. I talked to a whoooole lot of people who you will call your aunts and uncles, and who are almost as close to me as your real aunts and uncle, but are only my friends. They are all VERY excited, though, and can't wait to meet you. You are going to be the first grandbaby for my parents, the first niece or nephew for two aunts and your uncle, and the first baby out of all my New Orleans friends. Suffice it to say, you are going to be SO loved and juuuuust a little spoiled.

I made a few people cry today! Terri, Leslie, and Veronica all just lost it. Especially Terri. Aunt Terri has seen me go through all the fears of infertility over the last couple years, and has prayed her heart out for me. So me telling her this was quite possibly the best news she's had in several months. We're all just so excited to see you, and we love you so much.

Also, I found out how old you are today! The doctor also ordered a quantitative hcg test on my blood, which finds out the level of the pregnancy hormone in my blood. I can't believe you're only 2 weeks along! If that's really true, which it obviously is because surely my blood can't lie, then you were conceived on September 29th and you should be born June 29th, 2005 or thereabouts. At least that's what Aunt Terri calculated.

Right now, I'm just feeling tired. I guess it could possibly have something to do with it being 12:30 in the morning, but who knows. :) I've been pretty tired all day, but I did go work out. I might just lose some weight while I'm pregnant with you, unless you give me crazy cravings! Other than that, my only pregnancy symptoms or signs are a little gas and just being so tired. Granny says the sleepiness could be from the past couple of hectic weeks, and I'm just crashing. I prefer to think it's because of you. :)

I have my first appointment at the OB's office tomorrow. Dr. Brewer (my current primary care physician) says that normally, women who are two weeks along don't necessarily need to see an OB, and he's probably overreacting, but my history of PCOS does give him a tiny bit of concern. Not too bad, though. We'll see tomorrow! I sure wish I could get a picture of you.

Goodnight for now! I love you!