I have to say goodbye

I know I've lost you already, but somehow, I need to say goodbye. Daddy and I buried part of you in our backyard, but I want to tell you goodbye. I need to tell you goodbye. Losing you has been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and I'm so sorry I couldn't carry you. I will never, ever, ever forget you, and I will never forget this pain, though I hope it's lessened some day. I know you're dancing with Jesus right now. I never saw you, never met you, but I felt you and in a way, still do. I just don't know how to stop feeling like a mommy. I guess I never will, because I'm still your mommy. I will always wonder what you would have looked like, if you were a boy or a girl, if you would have been like me or like Daddy... I will always wonder.

I remember driving to the doctor one visit before I found out that I was going to lose you, and on the way there, I heard a song by Third Day called "Love Song." It's a song from Jesus to His children explaining how much he loves us and how much he'd do for us. I just broke down and started crying, because it explained how much I loved you already and I knew it was only a taste of how much my love for you would continue to grow. Here are the lyrics:

I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.

I've never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of calvary

Chorus: Just to be with you, I'll do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'll give anything
I would give my life away.

I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
All of those dreams are an empty emotion
It can never be done

I've never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea

Repeat chorus

(Bridge) I know that you don't understandthe fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize
how much that I gave you
But I promise, I would do it all again.

Just to be with you, I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away.

Little baby, I would do anything to have you back, but I know how selfish that is, because you're with Jesus now. I know His love surpasses any that I could have ever felt for you. I hope He comforts you and holds you the way I would have done, if only I could have.

You made me so happy and gave me so much hope. In the two weeks that I knew you, I could not have been happier. The pain I am going through right now is nothing compared to the absolute joy you brought me and the people I love and that love you, and the hope for my future. I'm so sorry that future will be without you. I will miss you, but I will see you one day. Be good for God, because He's taking care of you for a while.

I love you so much. I'm so sorry. And since I can't say goodbye, I'll just say that I'll see you soon. I love you.

Love, Mommy